On the way "Home"

(from 6/22/08)

Yesterday was my cousin's wedding party at her beautiful new home in Huntington Beach. We did our best to smile and say "We'll be fine" when asked how we're doing. I knew that, surrounded by family both close and distant, we were in a safe place to give answers that sound like more than small talk but I felt it was better not to be a bliss killer, to let them celebrate without worrying about us.

We're headed back to Santa Cruz County today, back to the vicinity of home. Home is a place that will have different meaning from now on. We'll eventually create another home, but will there ever be the same sense of comfort implicit in the word? Tonight we're camping. I have an amazing and resourceful circle of friends who are all offering to squeeze us in until we figure everything out, and I imagine Laurel and I will be taking each of them up on their offers in turns, but I'm also vowing to be careful of taking too long in any one place, or of seeming to be without purpose.

They're letting a few folks up our rural, dead-end road today. The site is muddy ash. There are a few scraps of melted metal, remnants that are recognizable. The fire was hot enough to have melted our cast iron bathtub, the rims of cars.

My girl is mourning each possession she remembers, one at a time. Her plastic horse collection, Harry Potter books, the keepsake box given to her by her great grandmother. It's hard enough to take this all in as an adult, I can't imagine what it feels like at 10 years old when everything is supposed to be full of the idea of future and promise. Friday the 13th of June was a happy, lucky day when she finished the 5th grade, walked in her schools promotion ceremony, and spent the afternoon at a little party with friends playing, swimming and camping.

That's what 10 is supposed to look like. By the end of the day she'll be looking at the remnants of her world on a parched hillside. She wants to see it, and I believe none of this will be real to her until she does. "Home" will have new meaning for her as well.